No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize