I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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