when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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