How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize