My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
