No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
My penis needs a shock collar
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
