Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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