my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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