He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
