He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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