She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
