not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Couch. On fire.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
