: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
