I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
