i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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