Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
