you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
