good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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