It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Randomize
