I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
