Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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