Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
