how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
