I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
