I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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