i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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