just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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