Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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