my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize