he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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