Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
did i walk over a car last night?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
