if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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