Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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