I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
