When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Do vagina's smell?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
