Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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