I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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