haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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