david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
