Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Pants are for mortals
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
