I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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