I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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