You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize