Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
