There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
