I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
