well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
