I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
