i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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