Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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