im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
