you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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