1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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