Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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