How'd it feel making her break her religion?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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