got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
